People often seek therapy frustrated with their inability to manage conflicts or handle arguments in a healthy way. They express feelings such as:
Even when I'm sure I'm right, I never have the last say. Why can't I speak up during a fight?
During a fight, my brain freezes, and I am unable to express basic sentences, much alone argue effectively. Why am I like this?
I avoid conflict because my anger triggers breakdowns and people do not take me seriously. I hate that I can't defend myself without crying.
These situations are more common than you might think. Many people struggle to assert themselves during difficult conversations. Understanding the root of this issue is worth it and can be enlightening. Here are three possible reasons:
1. Emotional Overwhelm
If the thought of a fight makes your heart race and your eyes tear up, emotional dysregulation may be hindering your communication during conflicts. Intense emotions like frustration, anger, or sadness can become overwhelming, making it hard to engage constructively. Shutting down might be an automatic defense mechanism to protect yourself from further emotional distress.
When emotions run high, it’s crucial to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Taking a step back to self-soothe and regain balance can help prevent escalation of the issue. Communicating your need for a break to collect your thoughts allows for a more productive discussion later.
2. Stonewalling as an Offensive Tactic
Sometimes, shutting down is used as a passive-aggressive way to retaliate or punish a partner during an argument. This behavior, known as stonewalling, includes abandoning discussions, avoiding eye contact, and halting arguments abruptly if it's getting too heated.
Stonewalling is a double-edged sword that harms both parties. While it might provide immediate relief, it leads to withheld emotions and unresolved issues. It’s better to defer the argument momentarily, understand what triggered the stonewalling instinct, and then communicate your problem without alienating your partner or yourself.
3. Repeated Fights
Certain issues may be unresolvable due to trauma or emotional baggage. Research shows that ‘arguments’ are among the top causes of relationship breakups, indicating that some issues are too significant to resolve through discussion alone.
If such a wound exists in your life, consulting a mental health professional can help you understand it and recognize when to stop trying to rehabilitate the situation at the expense of your mental health.
Feeling ignored during an emotionally charged moment can be incredibly frustrating. You're trying to resolve an issue, but your partner suddenly shuts down and becomes unresponsive.
This reaction is known as stonewalling, and from the outside, it can seem like your partner has emotionally withdrawn. However, if you are the one shutting down, you may be feeling inwardly dysregulated.
What to Do When Your Partner Shuts Down:
1. Take a Break: Pause the conversation and revisit it later.
2. Write Down Your Thoughts: This helps keep the dialogue open for later discussion.
3. Stay Calm: Avoid retaliating or throwing a temper tantrum.
4. Self-Soothing: Engage in calming activities like reading or meditating.
5. Seek Professional Help: If necessary, consider therapy for guidance.
Understanding Stonewalling:
Shutting down during a conflict can be a natural reaction to negativity, frustration, or discomfort. You might stop responding, making eye contact, or even start cleaning excessively to signal that you’re done with the conversation. It's important to recognize that this behavior doesn’t help the situation and can make the other person feel rejected or devalued. They may not understand why you’re shutting them out, which can lead to a cycle of silence and hurt feelings.
Effective Communication Strategies:
1. Communicate Calmly: Approach the conversation with a neutral energy to avoid escalating the conflict.
2. Communicate Clearly: Articulate your points to prevent misunderstandings.
3. Communicate Assertively: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing the other person.
A 2009 study found that couples who communicated anger assertively rated their interactions as more successful than those who approached anger with denial or passive-aggressiveness.
Self-Soothing Techniques:
Engaging in healthy self-soothing activities like reading, meditating, or exercising can help you regain a sense of calm after an argument. Avoid activities like smoking or drinking, as they can cause more complications down the road.
Writing Down Your Thoughts:
If you find it challenging to express yourself during a heated moment, writing your thoughts down can help maintain the dialogue. This allows you to revisit the conversation later when emotions are more settled.
Reopening Communication After the Silent Treatment:
- “I understand what you’re saying…”
- “I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed…”
- “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
- “Let’s take a break but pick another time to discuss…”
- “I need some time to collect my thoughts.”
- “I feel…” or “When you… I feel…”
When Your Partner Stonewalls:
Feeling shut out can hurt, but understanding where stonewalling comes from can help mitigate negative reactions. Recognize that stonewalling is not always about you; it can be your partner's response to feeling overstimulated. For example, if your partner shuts down when you cry, it might be because they don’t know how to handle your emotions, not because they don’t care.
Setting Mutual Expectations and Boundaries:
Agreeing on how to handle debates and arguments can help prevent stonewalling. Establish rules for back-and-forth replies, safe spaces for discussions, and knowing when to pause and decompress. During calm times, reaffirm conversation boundaries to prevent hurtful remarks that can’t be unsaid.
Expressing the Impact of Silence:
Communicate to your partner how their silence affects you. Most people who care about you don’t want to cause you pain. Letting them know that their emotional shutdowns or silent treatment upset you can help them understand its impact.
What to Say When They Shut You Out:
- “When you ignore me I feel…”
- “I understand you’re feeling…”
- “Let’s take a breather and come back to this another time.”
- “I’m not upset with you. I’m feeling…”
- “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
- “I’ve given you a lot to consider. I’ll give you time to digest.”
Understanding and addressing stonewalling can significantly improve communication and relationship dynamics. By implementing these strategies, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and maintain healthier connections.
Arguments aren’t inherently negative; they help us understand ourselves better and develop essential skills. Shutting down during conflicts might offer temporary relief, but avoiding engagement altogether can defer resolution indefinitely. Engaging thoughtfully and avoiding stonewalling in conflicts are key to personal growth and relationship health.
If you need a professional to help you practice the skills in conflict management and emotions regulation, contact JarvisHypnotherapy today.
Also, check out the previous article from JarvisHypnotherapy: How to Regain Lost Passion for Your Work?
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